The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
