If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
