So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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