I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
