my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
