so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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