god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
