i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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