Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
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I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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