Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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