Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
