a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
