I'm going to jail i love you
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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