Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
