Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
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He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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