she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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