How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
