I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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