I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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