I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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