so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
