Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
