my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
it's like iHOP with fire
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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