I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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