Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
