I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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