i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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