sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm jealous of your bromance
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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