Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
