Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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