I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
