i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
