Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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