What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
did i just pee glitter
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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