where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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