I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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