ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
