my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
