Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
