Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
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it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
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I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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