Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
