You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
