this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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