Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
