It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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