I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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