you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
