So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
