My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
