do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
