ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
