i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
