she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
