every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
