Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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