whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
