you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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