I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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